Musings on the Afterlife, as in -- Is there one and how shall I pack?

Do I know more dead people now than alive?  Is that what it eventually comes to?  Is there a café up there where all my relatives and friends who’ve died before me gather to read whatever they damn well please, now – no pressure to finish House of Mirth.

Are you transformed when you die to your best-looking, neatest appearance?

Will anybody whisper, “why doesn’t she do something with her hair?’  Or will I suddenly have a discernable part?  When you die, does your hair revert to its original color? Or is there a way-station where I can get a touch up for my roots?

Is there a desk to check in?  Is everything included?  Are some extras – like a harp –

part of the basic plan?  Can I use miles?

Will the Sunnis and Shiites still be fighting?  What about the Palestinians and the Jews? Or will we all finally get along? 

What about people who were no longer speaking to me on earth?  What’s the etiquette on that? 

Does my Curves membership automatically transfer up?  What about my magazine subscriptions that renew until you notify them otherwise.  How long until they stop badgering my heirs?

Are couples still married in heaven?  The vows say, “Until Death do you Part.”  Should I assume that this will make my marriage null and void and that if my dear husband precedes me that I shouldn’t get all huffy if he’s met someone new?  And in that case, do I still have a chance with Paul Newman/

When people say, “you can’t take it with you,” will we learn that Republicans have a actually found a way? And does take it with you refer as well to opinions, beliefs, superstitions and prejudices?  Is evolution accepted?  Or from day one, is creationism all that heaven allows?

Are there calories in heaven?